One issue that is rarely touched upon in the media is the problem of being caught unawares in a horror movie. Many young people die each year from unknowingly being part of the plot of a horror film. While it seems somewhat unlikely, I ask you if you really think those poor unsuspecting souls that you watch getting knifed and disemboweled on the screen really knew that they were in horror films. Think of all of the victims that have come and gone. When talking about John Carpenter’s Halloween alone, notice that we never see Nancy Loomis or PJ Soles anymore. They were the unfortunate victims of Mr. Myers and the misfortune of not knowing that they were in a horror film. Jamie Lee Curtis, in fact, is so messed up from the trauma that Michael inflicted on her that all she can do know is go on TV and prattle on about bowel regularity. Next time you see one of her commercials, take note of the glint in her eye as she talks about poop. Unknowingly being caught in a horror film messed her up. I am hoping to teach you some of the signs that you in fact may be in a horror film so you don’t end up like these poor women.

If you find yourself in an area that has intense, cacophonous music, usually biting, stinging strings or dissonant singular notes in 5/4 time, you are most likely in a horror movie. This usually means that a killer is near, or at least you are going to be startled by a red herring—a lunging cat, a banging window, etc. These situations are especially dangerous if you are annoying, unlikable or in any other way unworthy. If you are good-looking, nice, and useful you may just survive, just get far enough away that you can no longer here the soundtrack.

If you are being followed by someone with an obscured face, run and run fast. If you find that quickening your pace does nothing to put more distance between you and the person walking behind you, you are probably in a horror film. The only thing that can really be done at this point is to run someplace that is well-lit with lots of people. However, the rub is that if you are in a horror film and you find yourself in this situation, you will most likely be running through the woods or at least down some dark back alley. I am not saying to give up at this point. Your probability of survival in this particular situation is slim, but a few do make it past this scene. It takes hard work, determination, and great cardio, but you may just live to see another setting.

If you are alone or with one other person in a house and the power and the phones go out at the same time, you may very well be in a horror movie. Don’t go to the fuse box; don’t go to the other room to try another phone. Run full blast out of your house than follow the instructions from the previous paragraph. If you are in a horror movie, don’t bother with your cell phone. As unlikely as it seems, you will have no signal, your battery will be dead, or it will be disabled in some other way. In this case, the only use for a cell phone is to throw at your attacker.

If you notice that the nighttime is lasting for an absurdly long time, you may very well be in a horror film. Killers aren’t quite as effective pursuing people on a sunny day with birds singing and flowers blooming and the hubbub of life going on around them. They need the dark for camouflage and to set the eerie mood of isolation and despair. Tension music is not nearly as effective in daylight either. There is no way to hurry up sunrise. Unfortunately, barring you getting killed, it is going to be a long night. The minutes become hours, and the hours are like days. It isn’t fair that nature herself should favor the killer in such fashion, but remember that he is the real star of the movie. You are most likely incidental.

If you encounter any other strange anomalies, you may be in a horror movie. If a door is open that was previously closed, if windows are fogged up for no apparent reason, if an object has seemed to move by itself, you must be vigilant. If you hear a dog barking and it suddenly stops, if your car alarm comes on for no reason, if you find your kitchen knife drawer open and don’t know how it happened, you must keep your ears keen and your eyes peeled. If you get a phone call but the person at the other end doesn’t speak or hangs up, if you hear a noise in the other room despite the fact that you are alone, if you notice the axe or chainsaw is missing from the garage, prepare yourself for a night of screaming, fear, and if you are the last person, a series of near-misses.

Once you have determined that you are indeed in a horror film, you must take stock of yourself to gauge your chance of survival. Certain characteristics make one more prone to the killer’s knife than others. Women must be especially careful. There are many traits that women have no control over that will make them rife for the slaying. If your breasts are over a size B, you need to be on the lookout. If you where a D-cup or larger, you may as well throw yourself on his knife especially if your nipples are visible in any way. The likelihood of you surviving is far less if you are blonde than if you are a brunette. If you are at all in touch with your sexuality, you are dead. And your IQ is indirectly proportionate to your chances of being slain. Having said all of this, women have a much better chance of surviving in general than men. However, for all of you blonde, large-breasted, sexy dingbats out there, I bid you a fond farewell. My comforting words for you is to ask you not to think of being killed as being singled out to die, but being chosen to copulate with. We all know that the knife is a phallic symbol. You are just the most attractive to the killer, the one he most wants to stick his knife into.

Men, chances are you are going to die no matter what. You usually provide the most annoying characters and the real jerks. Men also provide the comic relief, but in any good horror film the funny guy is one of the first to go. He subverts the mounting tension and therefore must die. Men, if you are somewhere with a bright, girl next door-type and you hear the aforementioned music, don’t bother running. There is a reason it is called the final woman phenomena. Make sure that you do something that you have always wanted to do. These last few moments of your life need not be wasted on fear. Do something that makes you happy. It is your last hurrah. Just make sure not to have sex with the girl. This will ultimately spell her doom. Hopefully you have made peace with your maker because you will see him/her/it shortly.

Those of you who have made it to the end of the film, congratulations! Aside from the fact that all of your friends are most likely dead, you are lucky enough, chaste enough, and likeable enough to live to see another day. You are undoubtedly scarred for life—refer to the consequences faced by Jamie Lee Curtis above. You are not out of the woods yet, however. If the horror movie you were involved in was successful enough, if enough people enjoyed watching your face contort into the many degrees of fear and dread, hearing you scream and beg for your life, and witnessing your friends being mutilated, there will be a sequel. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you will be involved, but there is a good chance you will be. Most times, the survivor from the first film will not survive the second. Unless you are Jamie Lee Curtis or Heather Langenkamp you will probably not live long enough to see the sun rise again. Happy Halloween